i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
