no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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