The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The cops high fived after they tackled you
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
