How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
she told me i tasted like america
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
