You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
