Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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