i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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