Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
