8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
