Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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