I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
