Pants 0. Shit 1.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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