if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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