I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
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