I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
