Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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