Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize