But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
