Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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