and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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