I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
