I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
