I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
