??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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