first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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