The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
