I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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