I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Someone signed my nipple.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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