Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
