dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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