its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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