You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
