She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
