I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
