do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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