the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
