a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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