I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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