either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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