dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
