Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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