i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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