My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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