bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
You're like the curious george of whores
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
