Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
