Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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