Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
