all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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