saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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