So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
