I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize