Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
